The Decision
by butterfly collective
Summary: This takes place on the tail end of "Mustang Madness"  which is the second in the trio of "Glimmer of Twilight" series so far where C.J. mulls whether she's ready to go back to L.A. to face her demons there.


Hi, this is a vignette which takes place at the end of "Mustang Madness" before they head back to L.A. hope you enjoy it, thanks for reading and the feedback!

* * *

The two of them stood together and watched the mustangs run across the meadow, kicking up dirt and sod with their hooves. First the lead mares, then the yearlings, then the rear mares prodding along the foals, as they continued towards the foot of the mountains, where they would find security near the caves.

She had been rendered speechless by the site and had dismounted from Sienna to approach where they had once stood. Matt had gotten off his grey gelding and followed in her footsteps.

"They're beautiful aren't they," C.J. said, rubbing her arms.

"They surely are," Matt said, "Wild and free, just the way it should be."

They stood there and watched them disappear behind the woody area next to the lake where they had spent the past several days fishing and doing other things, enjoying the last few days to themselves before heading back to L.A.

Not that she wanted to think about what waited for her there. She hadn't been there but a couple of times since the kidnapping. Every time she thought about it, fear permeated her so thoroughly; it chilled her even in the sunshine. She knew that she would be safe there now but that did little to dissolve that fear from where it lived deep inside of her. Matt had to return there to wrap up some business before joining her in Houston. She hadn't yet decided whether she would fly there earlier or travel with him to L.A. and try to come to terms with what happened there.

The wedding of Jonathan and Rhonda had been beautiful. The bride had been radiant in her wedding gown with her auburn hair coiffed in a bun just above the nape of her neck, the groom dressed in formal black had been happier than she had ever seen him. The couple had decided that Jonathan would accept the job with the FBI which meant that their lives would be up in the air until he had been assigned hopefully in one of the Coloradan or Texan bureaus. They had ridden away on their bikes, Rhonda still wearing her veil continuing on their road trip and she had hugged them both goodbye.

Chris, Dan, Butterfly and Fran's family had flown back to Texas two days earlier, with Butterfly showing little sadness at saying goodbye to Carter, their summer relationship had pretty much flamed out before it had gotten started. Chris had expressed her relief to C.J. about that before they had left for the airport.

Now only she and Matt remained, enjoying themselves immensely, spending their days, riding, hiking and fishing and their nights sitting out on the porch of their guesthouse or sharing their evening with Thea, Jed and the others in the living room in front of the fire or sitting around the large kitchen table. She had shared with Matt all the times she had gravitated to that table where there were people who welcomed her into their group, allowing her to escape the darkness that threatened to consume her during those most difficult days.

The previous night, she and Matt had gone over to play poker with a group with Bonnie, Jed and other neighboring ranchers and not surprisingly C.J. had traded in her chips for the most cookies fresh out of the oven at the end of the evening. The two of them had headed back through the chilled night air back to where they had been staying and had eaten them with tall glasses of milk while bundling under blankets on the sofa and watching a late night movie.

She had nestled in his warm arms during the film so grateful to be spending time with the man that she loved in such a beautiful setting. Their whole lives ahead of them to spend however they saw fit and they wanted to spend them together.

But going to L.A. that truly etched fear in her heart, whenever he had casually mentioned heading back there, and what he would do when he arrived. Check out the caseload with Brody and the other investigators; make sure his beach house in Malibu hadn't washed away with the high tides and to catch up on life in general before making plans to head back to Texas.

All she could think about had been the last time she had walked into the parking garage and what waited for her there. The last thing she had seen or heard before everything had gone dark had been a flash of color, the scent of chloroform.

So she tried not to think about it at all even as he made his plans.

* * *

She walked into the kitchen to pour herself some coffee and join Thea at the kitchen table where earlier the ranch hands had eaten breakfast before heading out to tend to the livestock in the far pasture. Matt had headed out with them after Jed had talked him into going out with him to check out the view from the ridge on the eastern end of the lake. She had gone up there plenty times searching for Frisco the yearling when he broke loose and went wandering, trying to feed the wanderlust he had inherited from his sire, Diablo Del Sol who still lived in the mountains though he was rarely seen these days.

The older woman smiled as she sat down and asked her what her plans were for the day.

"I thought I'd help out with making those preserves you were talking about," C.J. said, "I used to do that with Houston's Aunt Flo when she used fruits harvested from her orchards."

"We've got some apples and some peaches and plums from different ranches in the valley," Thea said, "So a group of us get together and do it."

C.J. sipped her coffee thoughtfully.

"Houston's been talking about going back home."

"To Houston," Thea asked.

"No to L.A…that's where he has his home and his work."

"He's staying there?"

C.J. shook her head.

"No…he's going to wrap up some things there and then head to Texas to live," she said, "He'll be helping Dan with his security firm at least for a little while."

"That sounds like a plan."

C.J. paused, holding her coffee in her hands.

"He's invited me to go with him."

"Oh…how do you feel about that?"

C.J. didn't know exactly how to put it into words, the feelings that rushed through her when she considered returning to L.A. She had flown back from Texas twice since her kidnapping, once when Matt had worked himself into a state of pneumonia and the other time…the night of his birthday party. Both times she had avoided the Houston Inc building where she had spent most of her time working for some years since first coming out to L.A.

Maybe if she did go back with him…she could just avoid that building entirely, because even stepping through its doors, traveling up the elevator and walking into the familiar looking suite…it would all come rushing back…the sensation that her head was spinning, her limbs tingling and her breath coming hard and fast. Every shadow would belong to the men who had abducted her, every strange sound or voice…no even to think about doing it.

"It's…complicated."

Thea heard the ragged emotion in the young woman's voice and knew what put it there. C.J. had come an amazingly long way since what had happened to her but she still had her demons to confront and she knew that she would face this one…when the time was right.

"I'm sure Matt will understand if you don't join him."

C.J. nodded, sipping for the coffee she knew would calm her nerves.

"I know…and that makes it harder…God I want so much to be able to do everything just like I used to do, take things for granted and not be waiting for the next time to be scared again."

Thea listened to the frustration in her voice, as two different sides of C.J. had been battling back and forth while she struggled with making this decision.

"Those times will be fewer and far between C.J.," she said, "You've come such a long way. I think you need to remember that when you feel like being hard on yourself."

C.J. knew that, just looking back to when she had first arrived on the ranch to help the ranchers protect their land from some seedy developers and local politicians as it turned out. She had held her own against some truly rough characters including the man she had to kill to save her own life but she had finally let her guard down against Matt and had let him into her heart where she planned to keep him.

"I'm really trying to remember that but it's not always easy."

Thea reached out to touch her scarred hand.

"You need to talk to him about this when he gets back," she said, "Tell him how you really feel about it and let him inside. I'm sure between the two of you, you'll be able to work something out."

C.J. thought about that, the simplicity behind the woman's words and how much they made sense.

"I'll do that…"

And she would if she could just find the right words.

* * *

He arrived at the lake where she had been sitting doing some reading with Sienna grazing nearby. It had been a beautiful summer day, the sunniest season in the Rockies finally getting into full swing just when they were preparing to leave it. The lake glistened in front of her in stark contrast to when she had ridden by it, around the perimeter of its frozen surface. Thea's words had resonated in her as they so often did and she felt tremendous warmth in her heart that after spending most of her life without a mother, she finally had found one.

Suddenly she heard hoof beats approach and she turned her head to see Matt riding towards her. She brushed herself off after standing up. He dismounted and parked his gelding next to Sienna. The two horses nuzzled each other and then settled down to the serious job of eating. She took one step towards him and they embraced, and then kissed.

"I've missed you…"

She laughed at him brushing back her hair.

"You saw me this morning," she said, "Did you have fun with the guys?"

He gave her a strange expression.

"We saw some deer and Carter thought he saw some bear tracks but Jed was right, the view was beautiful. You could almost see across the entire state."

"Yeah it's really something," she said, "The view here's pretty fine too."

He smiled and stroked her face.

"How about we find ourselves a spot here and check that out some more?"

She gave him her hand and they found their spot underneath a tree, only several yards away from where the lake lapped onshore.

"Want to go swimming?"

He looked at her as if she were nuts.

"I doubt the water's ever warm enough for that, being fed from a mountain stream…I don't want to freeze any of my body parts."

"Why not, when you're finished I can always warm them up for you…"

A slow grin traveled across his face.

"I'll tell you what…why don't you do that without me freezing my butt off in the lake? Does that sound like a better plan?"

She had to nod at that, her blood racing whenever he looked at her like that.

"Come a little closer cowboy…"

* * *

She looked at him as he buttoned his shirt up and she rearranged her own clothing while they both tried to restore normal breathing patterns. He watched her slip that shirt on over her head with some lamenting.

"I have to tell you this," he said, "but you're one hot woman."

She smiled at him, fluffing her hair back out.

"What about you…those moves you just showed…smoking hot."

"Think we'd heat up the lake some if we went swimming?"

She looked at it doubtfully.

"I don't know if I'd go that far…I'm staying on dry land while you go test that theory out."

"It's no fun by myself."

"I know…."

He looked up quickly at the seriousness that had returned in her voice and her eyes had grown thoughtful.

"You know you don't have to come with me…"

Damn he read her mind again, he knew she had been mulling on that issue so much lately when the quietness settled around her again.

"I want to go…I do more than anything…I've got friends there too…"

She felt some moisture in her eyes. Damn, she wasn't going to do this again, trying to rein her emotions that always threatened to break loose on her. When was she ever going to get control over them again not to mention her life?

He sighed thoughtfully, taking hold of her hand and stroking it. She closed her eyes when he did it like she always did. Dirty pool, she might call it but it worked its magic on her. His fingers worked over the scarred terrain of her own hands, stroking the silvery lines and even the slightly raised scar from her wrist surgery. Only a week after returning to Houston from the Caribbean Sea, after the physician checking her out had shaken his head at it and ordered an orthopedic consultation.

"C.J…I know this is a hard decision for you to make…believe me I know."

And hearing the remnants of long ago pain in his voice now, she did remember when he had faced his own intense struggle. Because she hadn't been the only one of them abducted in the parking garage. She almost laughed at the thought that maybe they should erect a warning side in there for people to look out for kidnappers. Only it hadn't been any funnier for him than it had been for her. An entire month had been stolen from the man sitting next to her holding her hand, pieces of it from the puzzle inside him never recovered.

And she knew that still haunted him. Just as her own past did that to her.

The two of them, what a pair they were both having undergone their own nightmares because of people who had ancient grudges against them, or had stalked them for years planning for the day when they would enact their own revenge, during the times when their attention would be easily diverted. Matt had been excited about going on a long-awaited vacation in a tropical paradise and she had been preoccupied by a planned meeting with a contact that she thought could help her clear up clouds of suspicion that Houston Enterprises had funneled terrorist money.

"I know…It happened to you too," she said, "That must have been so scary Houston…I remember watching Andrea sit with you and so carefully help you piece parts of what you lost…any moment risking that you become lost for good."

She almost cried at the memory of watching him so confused, so scared, shaking in his chair while he recalled some traumatic areas of his life going back to his childhood. His enemies had hired an expert to erase parts of his memory clean and replace them with a script, using his unresolved trauma of his childhood adduction to lock him inside his own head. She had left him for a moment and cried bitter tears, the ones that she could never shed in front of him, even the ones he couldn't cry. She had lain in the hospital bed with her shoulder wound, her mind wandering outside the hospital desperately trying to find him.

Her other half as it turned out because she had loved him fiercely even back then. And twice she had almost gotten out of that bed, found some clothes to put on and had tried to get back to the office to find something, anything that could free him from his nightmare.

"It could have been so much worse…if I didn't have a woman who loved me help me find my way home," he said, "only when she told me how she felt, I took the cowardly way out."

She shook her head.

"Houston, I told you thinking we're going to die. I wasn't expecting any reciprocation. I just wanted you to come home so much…"

He smiled at that.

"I know…I know that you stayed up day and nights at that damn computer for weeks finding a way to bring me back home, to break that elusive code. The only one who could ever accomplish that and there wasn't a moment when I was on the run, I didn't think of how desperately I wanted to see you again."

And when they had finally reunited at the office, after she and Chris had initially thought someone had broken in, he had said so much in those two simple words. When they had come back from Hawaii, he had made damn sure that she had gone straight home to get some much needed sleep and he had stayed with her until she did. He had driven her straight to the doctor the next day so the guy could scold her for not taking better care of herself while healing from a bullet wound. And then they had headed to his mountain cabin for the weekend so she could do just that.

Now a tear flowed from her eyes and she brushed it away.

"I know…and I remember how scared you looked when you walked back into that garage…but you did it."

His brow arched.

"And who was holding my hand at the time which if you hadn't…I might have bolted on out of there."

She looked away towards the lake.

"That's why I squeezed it a couple of times so you'd know I was there with you…"

He turned towards her and he brushed her hair way with his fingers.

"If you want…I could do the same for you…I could hold your hand and go in there with you like you did for me…and I'll do that as often as you need."

"But…"

"No that's a promise but only if it's what you want to do…if you're not ready, that's okay too…."

She sighed, leaning against him and he could hear her heart beating quickly against his own body.

"I want to do it…"

Her breathing became quicker and she swallowed so she could take deeper breaths, slowing it down before it ran away from her again. He stroked her back while she pressed her head against his chest.

"Okay…we'll do it slowly…that's worked for…other things."

She nodded unable to deny that.

"And we'll go there together and then we'll do something fun afterward…then go to the beach house and spend the night there before heading back to Texas."

She smiled at that.

"I've missed that beach house…okay I'll try it…that's all I can promise…"

He kissed her forehead.

"I know…but I think it's going to be okay…I think we're both going to be okay…"

She nodded against him, so wanting to believe that, that she could walk tall into the setting for her nightmare and make peace with it.

And then something stirred deep inside her underlying the wall of fear that had begun to recede if just for a while…the knowledge that she would never be alone again. Her eyes opened and in the distance, she saw him. The dun stallion that stood proudly with his head high, his battle scarred body in display.

"Hey look…"

Matt turned around to where both watched Diablo Del Sol turn his head and take off in a gallop back to the mountains that he called home.


End file.
